Theunlikelypastorswife

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a very high cliff getting ready to jump off with no bungee cord. Only a parachute. The cliff is a mountain of messy experience. The jump is into a calling that only God could call someone as broken as me to. And the parachute is of course the God who Sees. For those of you that know me, this is just normal Becky speak. For those of you who are just reading my stuff, bless you and may God grant you grace to stumble along through my ramblings. I have felt for a long time that Women’s ministries have been missing something. And that something is uncomfortable truth. To read on should not be for the light hearted. When I think about women’s Bible studies, retreats, and conferences, the word fluff comes to my mind. Pink is a close second. Tickle my ears and entertain me is third. Don’t get me wrong. God has and is using women through fluff and pink and tickling ears and entertainment and I’m not saying the current female speakers should stop doing/being what they feel like God has called them to. I am asking, is there a need for something different? God help me, I think so. Where are the educated 20/30 somethings (Kelly Simpson, you are my hero) that are honest but respectful women that have so much wisdom to offer the body of Christ? Where are the women’s sexual addictions groups? Where are the women’s prison ministries? Where are the single mother’s support groups? Where are the divorced wives support groups? Where are the abused women support groups? These exist outside of the church, but why are they not in EVERY SINGLE church body?  Why are we not talking about and listening to what makes us feel uncomfortable? Why are we allowing the darkness of ignorance to veil our eyes and hearts? If your church is doing these things than praise the Lord for your faithfulness to live out the Gospel. ALL churches should be tapped into the needs of their body AND community. It is my prayer that God would use a broken vessel like me to be used to shed light into darkness. Specifically light into the darkness of what we keep secret and hush hush. I believe that Satan is binding women in their secrets and unwillingness to listen/talk about “off color,” “offensive,” subject matter. I’m not saying that we should have a license to sin and yes I realize that this is a fine line I am attempting walk. God give me grace, wisdom, and truth in love. I am inviting you to join me in prayer for women in the church and those serving women in the church. I hope that women’s ministries will no longer be weighed and found wanting. I’m hoping that through data and research He will enable me to put together some useful exhortations and information to disperse confusion and darkness and allow the light of His unchanging, never ending love, to penetrate the hearts and minds of women and myself. I take heart that God is the one that is in control and He will be the one that guides me. May He be the one that is seen and heard in a real unapologetic way.

Worst day of my life. I’m sitting on the couch with that tear stained liquid eyeliner running down my face like Alice Cooper look so wishing there really was a utopia I could run to.

After multiple (and frustrating) Dr. appointments over the years, I was at the end of my rope, desperate to find out how all of my random symptoms fit together. Thyroid? Nope. Cancer? Nope. Celiac? Nope. Diabetes? Nope. Depression/Anxiety/Bi-polar? Possible yes. What horrifying relief. As the arduous road of mental illness lays before me, fear, embarrassment, and guilt are the words I would use to describe my feelings. Will the medicine work or make my symptoms worse? Will it make me fat? Will I still be creative? Will I develop a dependency on them? How will this crap affect my sweet (yet surprisingly difficult) son Nolan and my husband Graham? What will people think of me now? I know, I know, what people think doesn’t matter, right? I’m so sure that you don’t care what people think of you my devoted reader.(Enter sarcasm here.)

Seriously. Mental illness SUCKS!!! I feel so angry at God for making me this way. I’ve worked through my anger towards Him about my family issues/illnesses, but not towards Him about my own personal appointed affliction. Extreme highs and lows were my normal. Anger/control were born in my life out of sin and environment. Depression was because of hormones or a blocked goal. I found reasons to explain all of my crap, when really, my reasons were CRAP! What I need is to figure out what medicine will work for me and not be ashamed that I am sick and need help. I would NEVER look at someone with diabetes and think they were to be looked down upon because they are sick and need medicine to manage their illness. So what the heck is my problem? Why am I so scared? Ok. Fear is valid in this journey, but not the kind of fear that is debilitating. Giulio told me in reference to hairdressing “Do what scares the shit out of you.” (For my conservative readers, I apologize for the swear.) What he meant by that was that if I did what scared the @#$% of me, I wouldn’t fear it anymore and begin to understand what I didn’t know so that I could master that skill. Perhaps I should take that advice with a grain of salt in my “mental illness” situation. If I do what scares the crap out of me in this situation it would look like taking my meds and trusting the Lord that HE is in control above my fears and my Docs “deductive reasoning.”

God divinely wove me together in my mom’s tummy. He knows EVERY part of who I am and what I struggle with. Why is my faith so small? He has not brought me this far through so much pain and agony only to leave me with this terrible illness all alone trapped in a corner. I must remember that and believe that truth in my head even if I don’t feel it in my heart and believe that God is with me and will never leave me or forsake me. What about you? What is God challenging your heart with that you need to remember He is there? What choice will you make now that He is bringing things to your memory? Don’t make the foolish choice I did to explain it all away. Listen. Respond. And remember that in the words of my favorite singer/songwriter Jill Phillips, “Nobody’s Got It All Together.”

Why is it that just when we think we are starting to get our stuff together, things begin to unravel? Sometimes I think to myself “How the heck did I get here?” As Graham sits in the kitchen on the phone at 10pm at night counseling and doing the youth pastor thing, I think to myself that it wasn’t that long ago I was on the other end of the phone needing the counseling. I have also been on the other end of the phone giving the hard advice.  Those are some hard places.

Why did God ordain beauty to come from pain? Why must we wage war? I am so tired and I KNOW that I am not alone. I think of one of my favorite movies, “A League of Their Own,” when Tom Hanks says to Geena Davis who wants to quit the game because it’s too hard, “The hard is what makes it great.” I guess that I have found that to be true. Having Nolan was most definitely(and at times still is) painful, but the beauty that encompasses and surrounds him shines through that pain. Working out is hard, but the results are great. I wouldn’t know about that at this time in my life.

I guess being unsettled in the settling could be viewed as a good thing. It is in the settling that false contentment can grip our souls and slowly strangle the life out of us. I think of Paul who said that in whatever state he was in, he was content. This statement coming from a guy in prison. And perhaps it is in the unsettling that the hard makes great and beauty comes from pain.

Whatever the answers to my questions may be, what I do not question is that I have an Author that knows how my story began, is continuing, and will end. He knows my anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, grief, loss, and anxiety and still loves me.