I made it through year 1? Are you sure?

{ March 2, 2010 @ 9:48 pm } · { The Heart Journey }

One year ago today I had a 5 day old and holy cow what a year it has been.  I find myself filled with an odd set of emotions. (Not because of my meds or illness) I feel proud that I made it through Nolan’s first year still standing with physical and emotional battle scars of mommyhood. That’s right! My stretch marks, c-section scar, and “whole-lotta-love-handles,” are physical proof that I won the pregnancy/delivery battle. With obvious help from the Lord and family and friends.

I also now carry the beginnings of the curse of emotional scarring that Eve brings upon the whole female race that says, “I will greatly increase your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children.” This really amazing teacher/theologian named Richard Pratt talks about this in his book, Designed For Dignity. He believes that based on the grammatical structure of this text in Genesis 3:16  that the curse not only applies to actual labor, but also to the ENTIRE process of raising your children. And boy-howdy, did I ever feel that the first time I let Nolan cry it out. (Ferber method.) I felt it the first time I told him, “NO!” and he looked me square in the eyes and did it anyways. I feel it now as he tantrums at every clothes/diaper change and more age appropriate discipline is at hand. (Time Out) I feel it when he doesn’t want my help or me to hold and snuggle him. I feel it when he prefers Daddy’s company. I feel it in the darkness of my own heart that so desperately wants to cling to him and use him to fill the void in my soul that only Christ can fill.

And then I also feel Psalm 127:3-5 that basically says that children are a gift and reward and if you have a lot of them to shoot forth into the world like arrows for the furtherance of the Gospel, you will be blessed. That first time I held Nolan in my arms I knew that I would do whatever it takes to protect him. I was so proud of the super pooper, eater, and sleeper he was. Even with reflux, he rarely fussed. I think about all of the joy he brings to others and how he has a special way of looking at you and making you feel like you are the only person in the world that gets that special look. I think about the firsts. First head control, first smile,  first roll over, first scoot, first army crawl, first sitting up, first foods, first pulling up, first words, first kisses, first booty poppin, first cruising, first hands and knees crawls, and recently, first wobbly steps. Nolan is the kind of baby that makes you glow with love and pride at how sweet and funny he is.

I look forward with anticipation and a twinge of grief and sadness at the next year. The better I do my job, the further away he will fly from the nest. I hope and pray that I will be striving to be the woman God has called out of darkness into light to be. I hope that Nolan will face this next year knowing how deeply he is loved, not only by mommy, but also by His Maker. I hope that I will have enough courage and trust and faith to allow Nolan to risk. But most of all, I hope for peace and love to flood this little family and soak us to the bone. I hope that we will be able to make that peace and love possible to all of those we are connected to past, present, and future. And now I leave you with the blessing we pray over Nolan often. Numbers 6:24-26

“May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face towards you and give you His peace.”

Do you believe that? Do I? As I look forward and keep walking this uphill climb of life and mommyhood, I hope so and I hope that you do too.

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