Why is it that I try to find life in everything outside of God? I look for EVERYTHING to try and fill me up, when all I am left with is emptiness. And it is that emptiness that I am currently living out of. Sure, sure, all you good Christians out there who never struggle with this, (yeah right) would say, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John1:9 Ok, so maybe the rebel Christians would say that too. 
Now, I am not saying that I don’t believe in that inerrant truth, however, I do struggle with what to do after that confession happens.
To repent means to turn around in the opposite direction of where you are and walk away from your demise. Ok, that sounds pretty easy when you are struggling with food, alcohol, porn, etc. but what about idolatry? It is so messily intertwined within who we are.
I have heard idolatry defined as anything I choose to worship other than the one, true, God. That is such a short statement that would be followed by a long list of things I worship daily more than God. (This post is supposed to be making me feel better, and as I keep writing, the conviction falls like a hammer.) However, the one thing I am going to pick on is people, specifically, my husband.
I have this need to be loved. (I believe that is what drives all of us.) Now, that doesn’t sound so bad, right? And yet, every time I try to gain this love, I always end up so hurt, which makes me angry and bitter, and then it causes me to feel shame, because I should no better than to place my hope, identity, and worth in anyone other than God, but I still feel left wanting. VISCIOUS CYCLE!!! So now that you are in my head (a very scary place to be) can you relate? I believe that this can be a form of idolatry.
I am always expecting Graham to be the hero in my story that will rescue me from all of the pain in this life. I want him to know what I want without me asking. I want him to love me the way I want to be loved without having to explain it. I want him to say what I need to hear without me telling him. “THESE DESIRES ARE NOT HUMANELY POSSIBLE,” I tell myself, and yet, every time one (or all) of those desires aren’t met the way I want them to be, all hell breaks loose inside of me and then outside of me. ARRGGG!!! SO FRUSTRATING!
I truly believe that the root of my sin is idolatry of people and that is what, on top of living in a new place, dealing with family and old friends and new, raising Nolan, marriaging with Graham, having some sort of creative outlet, dealing with my depression/anxiety (which is so much better.Thank you Paxil!), and walking with the Lord, is going to be a huge sticky and messy step that I need to take that I didn’t see coming. It’s kind of like on a 90 degree day when your walking along the road in your flip flops, and then STICK. You guessed it. You just stepped into some kids super bubble gum that has been melting since he tried to hawk it at the back of old man Jenkins this morning on his 5am paper route. But, with a little help from the ice from your ice coffee and the grass on old man Jenkins yard, that gum will come right off. Sorry Mr. Jenkins.
So in my head I know that Christ is able to forgive and deliver me and to keep me from sinning, but now the challenge lies in getting that truth from my head to my heart. What are you worshipping? Who/What is your idol right now? Name it and confess it. Then journey with me with clean flip flops into getting it down from our head to our hearts.
