So I woke up late….again. I feel like crap….again. Illness is a bitch. I don’t know what it is I suffer from. Mental illness? Food allergies? Auto Immune disorders? All 3? Who knows. The point is that anyone who has a life long illness knows where I’m coming from. My anxiety and depression are better from an emotional standpoint, but I feel worse than I ever have physically. And doctors keep testing and guessing what is wrong. And the tests come back negative…again. SO FRUSTRATING! Don’t these people know how I cry myself to sleep because I didn’t have the energy to care for my son? Don’t they have any compassion for the hurt and guilt that I battle on a daily basis for missing things that are important to others and to me because I mentally, emotionally, and physically can’t deal?
The guilt I feel totally consumes me. And then I’m exhausted from fighting that guilt that isn’t from God. Most people have no idea how I suffer. I put on a smile and live to love life, because I refuse to let this crap defeat me most of the time. Not today though. Today I sit on the couch at 11:10am still in my jammies and depressed that I missed church writing out my turmoil so that maybe I can find some peace. I don’t want or need a pity party. This post isn’t for you to read and feel bad for me. This post is to expose guilt. I didn’t ask for these physical, mental and emotional chains. They are a product of the fall and sin and it REALLY SUCKS that they are mine to bear, but they are. I don’t believe that I did something to deserve this. (most of the time). We all suffer from the effects of the fall. Then why do I feel so freakin guilty?
Maybe Satan knows that I have a tendency to define my worth by what I do and how others love me. I feel that being sick will result in hurting others and then I won’t be loved. Yeah. I guess that’s part of it. I also want to be strong to be able to parent Nolan well and marriage well with Graham and relationship well with friends and family and when you are sick you are weak. You are lucky to make it through a day of work without coming home and needing to go straight to bed. You are lucky if you can get all the cooking and housework done. You are lucky if you can make love with your spouse. You are lucky if you can run around and play with your kid.
I am sick, but that DOES NOT mean that I have any less worth or purpose than others who are not. It just means that my path is different. Today is hard day and I’m thankful to my few readers for supporting my writing. It is my hope that through the darkness I share yours will be exposed too and the healing light, love, and strength of Jesus will illuminate every corner of who you are and the guilt that consumes will be consumed by Him.
Patty Morman Said:
on April 1, 2011 at 7:04 pm
I had extreme PMS for over 20 years, from about age 30 to 50.
For up to two weeks each month, I was physically and emotionally unable to function much.
I begged God for healing, and once after church, I had the elders pray.
The following week I came upon yet another book about it. This new book had healthy foods and supplements, etc that proved to “take the edge off” sometimes at least so it became a bit more bearable. But it was never totally healed until my hormones changed at menopause.
So I claimed as my life verse
“I will boast about my weakness because Christ’s power shows up best in weak people” (2 Cor. 12;9, I think, Living type translation). That gave me peace because I quit fighting my illness and the resulting non productivity that faced me so often. In spite of this my homeschool kids both graduated from college and have hearts for the Lord as aduluts, by His grace in spite of my very imperfect parenting and homeshcooling!! I feel He lets us have many frustrations as parents to remind us that if our kids have anything good in them HE will get the glory. It made me have more peace and joy to “give it up” …if that makes any sense…