As I sit here on my way back from Maine I find myself speaking this phrase to myself in my head. “I’m staring down the barrel of a loaded shotgun of uncertainty again and I just wish someone would pull the trigger. Good or bad I don’t care. I am just so tired of the uncertainty.”
It all started about 1 month ago when Graham came back from a pastor’s conference and announced that he felt God telling him that his time as the Youth Ministry Director at our church was finished and that he was to step out in faith and resign with no job lined up. Graham felt God telling him to step out in faith not knowing the next step and to simply trust Him. Now, 4 years ago before we had Nolan, a mortgage, and a little one on the way, this would have been fine with me. I would have struggled with the usual leaving family and friends and living below the poverty line like we did for the first 2 years in seminary, but I would have put on my Abraham and Sara faith and lept without looking back. In this phase of life, it is SO not that easy this time.
I find myself fighting daily sometimes hourly battles of bitterness, anger, resentment, anxiety, grief, hurt, sadness, and fear. It has been a dark night of the soul for me this past month. I have isolated myself from friends and just felt generally unwanted, unloved, and not cared for by anyone mostly because I wasn’t feeling any of the want, love, and care Christians love to talk about that I’m “supposed” to feel from Christ. Let me tell you what I feel from Christ right now. Silence. Complete silence. Graham has put out over 20 job applications in this last month and not one has even asked for an interview. Silence.
Nobody likes to talk about the spiritual discipline of suffering. When Graham decided to fast from food because he felt like God was asking that of him you should have seen the looks that people gave me. They were looks like I had 2 heads. The fact that someone would willingly sacrifice and go without to obey God was such a foreign concept in this health and wealth gospel society. We love to follow a God that is good, kind, and loving who will give us what we deserve if we obey His law to the letter. We love a God that is our father/friend/lover. So we live our lives in mediocrity surrounding ourselves with comfort and outlet and we give just enough of ourselves to our family, friends, churches, jobs, and communities to get by. Because maybe if we just get by, the wild, untamable, unfathomable God of that Job guy in the Bible will leave us alone. But He doesn’t. He allows suffering to find us and attack. It bears it’s poisonous fangs and like a mouse that can’t run fast enough it bites us. It injects it’s poison deep within us almost paralyzing us. Almost. And our mediocre world is shaken. Has this not happened to you yet? Just wait. If you are a true follower of Jesus Christ suffering will find you. I would be concerned if it hasn’t.
Why? Because when Jesus told us to take up our cross and follow him, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a tattoo or a necklace. I’m pretty sure that He had in mind the rough, heavy, splintered cross of death that He knew He was about to die on. That’s the cross we take up when we follow the Jesus of the Bible. I’m not saying it’s fun or easy or that I like it very much, but you can’t argue with the Creator of all things. (even though I attempt to on a regular basis.)
It’s like one of my favorite artists Jill Phillips rights in her song “Square Peg In A Round Hole.”
“It is said that the rain will fall equally upon us all and there is no rhyme or reason. Still I find myself surprised when it seems like it’s my time to walk in that rainy season.”
And I do. I am so surprised. “God, having children, a marriage, depression and anxiety is PLENTY ENOUGH sanctification!!!! Why are you doing this to me? And if this is of you, where the crap is my peace, hope, and faith? Where is is it? How am I supposed to do life? SHOW UP AND FIX ME AND ALL OF THIS AND MAKE IT RIGHT!!! ” This is like my daily prayer. Reverent, isn’t it? It should be published in the book of common prayer. 
I guess I just wish we talked more about the mystery of suffering in our relatshionships and from the pulpit. I wish there was more support to struggle well. I wish that the silence of God would end. I wish that Jesus would come back and end the suffering that he uses to bring us into and unto Him. I wish that I didn’t have to fight and struggle because friends, I’m tired and I know I’m not the only one.
But until then I cling to the Rock that is higher than I. Even if that is the rock I want to kick and scream at like a 2 year old. It’s all I have. And hopefully the truth that is that He is enough will make it down in my heart from my head.
Steve Said:
on July 16, 2011 at 11:00 pm
God has not been silent with you. He has already given you the answers You doubt yourself and therefore you doubt God. I have been mad at him for a week. WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? TELL ME. Why can’t I find a job. The answer came to me today. I’ve done nothing wrong. These are the times I did not put this on you, you did it to yourself, as a community and as the world, you walked away from me and now you’re scattered sheep. Becky you are not the one who is lost, but you hold the answers. It’s the ones around you who need your voice. You know what has to be done so stomp your foot and get goin’. To hold the door open for an elderly, walk a blind man across the street, split your last piece of bread with a stranger, sing to a child in pain every waking moment of your life and these are the gifts he gave you because you are special. To give someone a moment of laughter. Feel good in doing these little things in his name and you feel good about yourself. God has never given me the answers out right, but has given me the wisdom to find the truth. We know what is right and wrong. Its not complicated. Stay the path and take control he won’t do it for you but he’ll always give you the strength.Your family needs you, they are looking to you for direction. I can not afford the luxury of finding work that I would enjoy but I have to take what is given and make the best of it. Its not fun and rather demeaning but what I do in my “free time” is meaningful. OH by the way go outside and scream. I call it “Howling at the moon”. Its feels good!!!! Steve