Hang on people because it’s about to get personal. Life for me seems to be a consistent crapshoot of randomness that either leaves me dumbfounded at God’s goodness or so unbelieveably angry at Him that I honestly consider why I’m a Christian. Tonight I am angry.
You may be thinking, “But how and why Becky? You have a new little one. It would seem like life is really beautiful right now.” Let me back up and fill you in on life with the Bucks in the last 4 months.
So Graham finally got a job and in one of those marveling at God’s goodness moments, it was right at the last second with Graham’s severance package at the Orchard finished. Graham is working at a residential facility with troubled kids coed ages 6-14 and pretty much gets paid 12.50/hr. (before MA taxes and health insurance are taken out) to either babysit these troubled kids or get punched, spit on, verbally assaulted, and scratched when they spiral out of control and he has to restrain them. Now, God knew we weren’t going to be able to survive on that income so once again miraculously God gave Graham a huge raise at his temporary job as an interim worship pastor that we hoped would God-willing, would turn full time. So for about 2 months we could breathe.
Now it is 2am on November 30th and my water breaks. After a 31 hour torturous labor and yes a natural vacumm assited VBAC, Ian Michael Buck came into the world at 9:35am on December 1 weighing 8 lbs 5.7 oz and 21.5 inches long. My little trooper! 
Life for the next month was a normal expected amount of crazy adjusting to a newborn, a 2 1/2 year old adjusting to a newborn, and the holidays. Then came 2 weeks ago.
This is the part where my sweet husband musters up the courage to be bold and ask the lead pastor at the church he is helping out with worship if any full time work is available for him. The answer? “There are so many things I would bring you on staff for, but we just don’t have the budget.” Sad but maybe Graham will be considered for candidating for the position he is already in. That was also a no as Graham doesn’t have the skill set to facilitate orchestra and choral. Big blow for us. We had kind of put our eggs in that basket. Then comes Graham’s first check from the group home where after taxes and insurance are taken out, we realize that even with the very unstable interim position paycheck that is keeping us afloat, we will be $800.00 a month short. REALLY REALLY BIG BLOW.
So here I sit tonight after a day pondering short selling our house and facing possible foreclosure and bankruptcy, angry. So unbelieveably angry I feel hot from the inside out. Honestly, it’s not the things I care about. It’s the why. Why can’t my husband find a job? Why after surrendering our lives to a lifetime of ministry does God emotionally and physically seems to be leaving us high and dry? What did we do wrong? Are we doing anything wrong? Why are we so lonely? So distant? Didn’t God call us here to Derry NH to serve him? Where is He? And my list of questions with no answers goes on and on and on and on. Graham says it’s right where God wants us. I say that this just flat out sucks. I feel lost and forgotten. Minimalized and marginalized. Like I don’t matter to a good and sovereign God that seems so silent and so distant. And yet it is in that goodness and sovereignty I must find myself. I want to struggle raw and real and well but my eyes have to stay focused on God that despite everything is in control and making all things good. Even at the cost of my well being. He is/has to be good. I try to sit in Job remembering God being with him as Job lost everything and to Job God was enough. Sigh. God help me in this crapshoot I find myself again to let you be enough. Enough for my every need physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And you my reader, please pray if you do. Pray for my family. Pray hard for us that we will stand up in His strength under the crushing weight of all this crap and struggle raw and real and well. I leave you and myself with my life verse to sit in. “For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
Come on God. Show up.
