You may be thinking, “But how and why Becky? You have a new little one. It would seem like life is really beautiful right now.” Let me back up and fill you in on life with the Bucks in the last 4 months.

So Graham finally got a job and in one of those marveling at God’s goodness moments, it was right at the last second with Graham’s severance package at the Orchard finished. Graham is working at a residential facility with troubled kids coed ages 6-14 and pretty much gets paid 12.50/hr. (before MA taxes and health insurance are taken out) to either babysit these troubled kids or get punched, spit on, verbally assaulted, and scratched when they spiral out of control and he has to restrain them. Now, God knew we weren’t going to be able to survive on that income so once again miraculously God gave Graham a huge raise at his temporary job as an interim worship pastor that we hoped would God-willing,  would turn full time. So for about 2 months we could breathe.

Now it is 2am on November 30th and my water breaks. After a 31 hour torturous labor and yes a natural vacumm assited VBAC, Ian Michael Buck came into the world at 9:35am on December 1 weighing 8 lbs 5.7 oz and 21.5 inches long. My little trooper!  Life for the next month was a normal expected amount of crazy adjusting to a newborn, a 2 1/2 year old adjusting to a newborn, and the holidays. Then came 2 weeks ago.

This is the part where my sweet husband musters up the courage to be bold and ask the lead pastor at the church he is helping out with worship if any full time work is available for him. The answer? “There are so many things I would bring you on staff for, but we just don’t have the budget.” Sad but maybe Graham will be considered for candidating for the position he is already in. That was also a no as Graham doesn’t have the skill set to facilitate orchestra and choral. Big blow for us. We had kind of put our eggs in that basket. Then comes Graham’s first check from the group home where after taxes and insurance are taken out, we realize that even with the very unstable interim position paycheck that is keeping us afloat, we will be $800.00 a month short. REALLY REALLY BIG BLOW.

So here I sit tonight after a day pondering short selling our house and facing possible foreclosure and bankruptcy, angry. So unbelieveably angry I feel hot from the inside out. Honestly, it’s not the things I care about. It’s the why. Why can’t my husband find a job? Why after surrendering our lives to a lifetime of ministry does God emotionally and physically seems to be leaving us high and dry? What did we do wrong? Are we doing anything wrong?  Why are we so lonely? So distant? Didn’t God call us here to Derry NH to serve him? Where is He? And my list of  questions with no answers goes on and on and on and on. Graham says it’s right where God wants us. I say that this just flat out sucks. I feel lost and forgotten. Minimalized and marginalized. Like I don’t matter to a good and sovereign God that seems so silent and so distant. And yet it is in that goodness and sovereignty I must find myself. I want to struggle raw and real and well but my eyes have to stay focused on God that despite everything is in control and making all things good. Even at the cost of my well being. He is/has to be good. I try to sit in Job remembering God being with him as Job lost everything and to Job God was enough. Sigh. God help me in this crapshoot I find myself again to let you be enough. Enough for my every need physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And you my reader, please pray if you do. Pray for my family. Pray hard for us that we will stand up in His strength under the crushing weight of all this crap and struggle raw and real and well. I leave you and myself with my life verse to sit in. “For we know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

Come on God. Show up.

It all started about 1 month ago when Graham came back from a pastor’s conference and announced that he felt God telling him that his time as the Youth Ministry Director at our church was finished and that he was to step out in faith and resign with no job lined up. Graham felt God telling him to step out in faith not knowing the next step and to simply trust Him. Now, 4 years ago before we had Nolan, a mortgage, and a little one on the way, this would have been fine with me. I would have struggled with the usual leaving family and friends and living below the poverty line like we did for the first 2 years in seminary, but I would have put on my Abraham and Sara faith and lept without looking back. In this phase of life, it is SO not that easy this time.

I find myself fighting daily sometimes hourly battles of bitterness, anger, resentment, anxiety, grief, hurt, sadness, and fear. It has been a dark night of the soul for me this past month. I have isolated myself from friends and just felt generally unwanted, unloved, and not cared for by anyone mostly because I wasn’t feeling any of the want, love, and care Christians love to talk about that I’m “supposed” to feel from Christ. Let me tell you what I feel from Christ right now. Silence. Complete silence. Graham has put out over 20 job applications in this last month and not one has even asked for an interview. Silence.

Nobody likes to talk about the spiritual discipline of suffering. When Graham decided to fast from food because he felt like God was asking that of him you should have seen the looks that people gave me. They were looks like I had 2 heads. The fact that someone would willingly sacrifice and go without to obey God was such a foreign concept in this health and wealth gospel society. We love to follow a God that is good, kind, and loving who will give us what we deserve if we obey His law to the letter. We love a God that is our father/friend/lover. So we live our lives in mediocrity surrounding ourselves with comfort and outlet and we give just enough of ourselves to our family, friends, churches, jobs, and communities to get by. Because maybe if we just get by, the wild, untamable, unfathomable God of that Job guy in the Bible will leave us alone. But He doesn’t. He allows suffering to find us and attack. It bears it’s poisonous fangs and like a mouse that can’t run fast enough it bites us. It injects it’s poison deep within us almost paralyzing us. Almost. And our mediocre world is shaken. Has this not happened to you yet? Just wait. If you are a true follower of Jesus Christ suffering will find you. I would be concerned if it hasn’t.

Why? Because when Jesus told us to take up our cross and follow him, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a tattoo or a necklace. I’m pretty sure that He had in mind the rough, heavy, splintered cross of death that He knew He was about to die on. That’s the cross we take up when we follow the Jesus of the Bible. I’m not saying it’s fun or easy or that I like it very much, but you can’t argue with the Creator of all things. (even though I attempt to on a regular basis.)

It’s like one of my favorite artists Jill Phillips rights in her song “Square Peg In A Round Hole.”
“It is said that the rain will fall equally upon us all and there is no rhyme or reason. Still I find myself surprised when it seems like it’s my time to walk in that rainy season.”
And I do. I am so surprised. “God, having children, a marriage, depression and anxiety is PLENTY ENOUGH sanctification!!!! Why are you doing this to me? And if this is of you, where the crap is my peace, hope, and faith? Where is is it? How am I supposed to do life? SHOW UP AND FIX ME AND ALL OF THIS AND MAKE IT RIGHT!!! ” This is like my daily prayer. Reverent, isn’t it? It should be published in the book of common prayer.

I guess I just wish we talked more about the mystery of suffering in our relatshionships and from the pulpit. I wish there was more support to struggle well. I wish that the silence of God would end. I wish that Jesus would come back and end the suffering that he uses to bring us into and unto Him. I wish that I didn’t have to fight and struggle because friends, I’m tired and I know I’m not the only one.

But until then I cling to the Rock that is higher than I. Even if that is the rock I want to kick and scream at like a 2 year old. It’s all I have. And hopefully the truth that is that He is enough will make it down in my heart from my head.

The spotting started on a Wednesday morning after I woke up from the stomach flu. It was just a little, so I tried not to freak. Thursday am there was a little more spotting so I called the Dr. They told me to relax and drink fluids and go get some blood work done. Then came Friday morning. The cramps started and I knew our little baby was gone. Graham was still hopeful, but I just new. Off we went to get the ultrasound which showed what I already felt and new. Dead. My precious 7 week old little bean was gone. My hopes of sharing my birth month with my baby gone. My hopes that Nolan, who so deserves a little brother or sister, would get to kiss them and hug them and help mommy feeding and changing them gone.
Grief in this context is so complex. I have grieved loss of loved ones, loss in relatshionships, and loss in your dreams being dashed, but never the loss of a child. Yes a child. I was a mom the moment that test (all 4 of them) were positive. I feel like I am constantly shifting between anger and acceptance. Sadness and joy. Numbness and over sensitivity. I am angry at myself, others, God, the cat, that guy in the Jaguar I yelled at in the Michaels parking lot, etc. I am so very sad that I will not get to hear my baby’s heartbeat or feels it move inside of me. I am sad that I won’t get to see it doing gymnastics on it’s ultrasound. I’m sad that we won’t know whether or not it was a boy or girl (although I think it was a girl!). I’m sad that I won’t get to deliver him/her into the world and feel that unspeakable love and bond when you first see and hold your newborn. I’m sad that I won’t get to nurse my baby and walk through the many milestones of that 1st year. I’m sad that my baby was sick and couldn’t surrvive. I wonder if my baby felt pain when and or before it died. I’m sad that now everyone who knew we were expecting is now in grief over our loss.
And then I gravitate towards numbness. Where I don’t want to see or talk to anyone because I just want to have the bliss of feeling nothing. I wish that numbness wasn’t so unhealthy.
And yet, for the most part, I have accepted our little ones death. I take comfort in knowing that when we are absent from the body we are present with the Lord. That God knew us before the foundations of the world. That we are 100% human the moment that the sperm and egg meet. I take comfort and joy in the fact that my baby is where all of us are trying to get to. Home.
Good theology is what saves you in crap like this. I kept praying that God would help me to grieve well. He gives and takes away blessed be His name. My womb is not my own. It is God’s to do with what He will. We are all God’s. All of us. Do we all go to Heaven? That’s a topic for another post.
I guess this post is a whole lot of randomness, but I wanted to tell my babies story and what my baby taught me. My baby taught me that God is sovereign and good over all even the bad, because he can take what Satan intends to destroy, and make into something beautiful. I’m not sure what the beautiful is yet, but I know it will come. I have learned that friends and family are crucial in crisis. I have learned that life is precious and we should all shut up and stop complaining. I have learned how precious and thankful I am for my sweet Nolan. I have learned that God makes woman strong through crap like this. Life died inside of me, I had to expel it, and I’m still standing. I have learned that love runs deep when your spouse is grieving.(I love you Graham. Thank you for everything.) I have learned that I must continue on.
Am I scared? Absolutely. It seems like I know 5 million woman having babies. Now comes the battle of jealousy, contentment, anger, covetousness, bitterness, and depression. And if God should open my womb again, I battle fear. But He will uphold me. He has not named me an Ezer(Hebrew for co-warrior) for nothing. I will fight. I choose to fight this battle against evil. I must press on. In my grief, I will press on. In honor of my brave little baby that did all he/she could do to survive I will fight and press on.

The guilt I feel totally consumes me. And then I’m exhausted from fighting that guilt that isn’t from God. Most people have no idea how I suffer. I put on a smile and live to love life, because I refuse to let this crap defeat me most of the time. Not today though. Today I sit on the couch at 11:10am still in my jammies and depressed that I missed church writing out my turmoil so that maybe I can find some peace. I don’t want or need a pity party. This post isn’t for you to read and feel bad for me. This post is to expose guilt. I didn’t ask for these physical, mental and emotional chains. They are a product of the fall and sin and it REALLY SUCKS that they are mine to bear, but they are. I don’t believe that I did something to deserve this. (most of the time). We all suffer from the effects of the fall. Then why do I feel so freakin guilty?

Maybe Satan knows that I have a tendency to define my worth by what I do and how others love me. I feel that being sick will result in hurting others and then I won’t be loved. Yeah. I guess that’s part of it. I also want to be strong to be able to parent Nolan well and marriage well with Graham and relationship well with friends and family and when you are sick you are weak. You are lucky to make it through a day of work without coming home and needing to go straight to bed. You are lucky if you can get all the cooking and housework done. You are lucky if you can make love with your spouse. You are lucky if you can run around and play with your kid.

I am sick, but that DOES NOT mean that I have any less worth or purpose than others who are not. It just means that my path is different. Today is hard day and I’m thankful to my few readers for supporting my writing. It is my hope that through the darkness I share yours will be exposed too and the healing light, love, and strength of Jesus will illuminate every corner of who you are and the guilt that consumes will be consumed by Him.

It’s not that I’m against learning and reading new thoughts and ideas. On the contrary, most of the info I found was info I asked for. It’s more everybody’s desperation to be right and the lack of dealing with the heart of the issue which is the heart.

I will never forget the first time Nolan sinned against me. He was 3 months old and I had been snuggling and rocking him and making sure he was ready to go down for a nap. I put him down and he screamed, so I picked him up. Then I put him down and walked out and he screamed, so I would wait a minute and go back in and pick him up. This cycle went on for 45 minutes. The last time I went in exhausted he smiled at me and then I walked out and he screamed. Not gonna lie, I picked him up defeated and nursed him and then he played. Though he couldn’t make the moral choice, his actions clearly stated, “I WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO! I WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.” (All of my attachment parenting friends are hot under the collar right about now. I read your stuff and respectfully disagree, so don’t hate me for this post. Love you all!)

So this is what I want to ask; When does sin corrupt us? Because that is the root of your 2 year old spitting out her food at you. (Love you Linda!) IT’S SIN THAT MAKES OUR KIDS NAUGHTY! WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING AND TEACHING THEM ABOUT THAT EVERY MOMENT OF EVERYDAY? THEY NEED JESUS! Yeah, I just yelled. Seriously, sin is the root of what makes ALL of us say I DON’T WANT TO DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO. I WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO. Sin and it’s root and causes and how we are freed from it are what we should be modeling and teaching our children. They are fearfully and wonderfully made image-bearers of the ONE TRUE GOD and yet, they are also fully black hearted sinners that need the blood of Jesus to set them free and make them new. How are we preaching the Gospel to our kids? Are they seeing Jesus in us in the way we talk, eat, pray, worship, relationship, work, play, love, discipline, resolve conflict, and just plain LIVE?

We should be more concerned with these Biblical concerns, than who wins the war of the best parental discipline and parental philosophy. I am grateful for the war. It helps me to process what might work for Nolan and what would DEFINITELY NOT work with Nolan. Ultimately God is the one that has given us our kids and made us their parents and as long as we are asking HIM to guide us in filtering the info, we are all doing a great job. Be open. Don’t choose ignorance. We can’t afford to be too tired and/or sick to not read and research all of the philosophies. There is a bigger War going on for our little ones souls and that is where us needing to preach the Gospel to them (notice I didn’t say AT them) daily is so important.

So the final question I leave you all to ponder as I will too is this: How can I preach the Gospel in a real and present way to my children today?

To repent means to turn around in the opposite direction of where you are and walk away from your demise. Ok, that sounds pretty easy when you are struggling with food, alcohol, porn, etc. but what about idolatry? It is so messily intertwined within who we are.

I have heard idolatry defined as anything I choose to worship other than the one, true, God. That is such a short statement that would be followed by a long list of things I worship daily more than God. (This post is supposed to be making me feel better, and as I keep writing, the conviction falls like a hammer.) However, the one thing I am going to pick on is people, specifically, my husband.

I have this need to be loved. (I believe that is what drives all of us.) Now, that doesn’t sound so bad, right? And yet, every time I try to gain this love, I always end up so hurt, which makes me angry and bitter, and then it causes me to feel shame, because I should no better than to place my hope, identity, and worth in anyone other than God, but I still feel left wanting. VISCIOUS CYCLE!!! So now that you are in my head (a very scary place to be) can you relate? I believe that this can be a form of idolatry.

I am always expecting Graham to be the hero in my story that will rescue me from all of the pain in this life. I want him to know what I want without me asking. I want him to love me the way I want to be loved without having to explain it. I want him to say what I need to hear without me telling him. “THESE DESIRES ARE NOT HUMANELY POSSIBLE,” I tell myself, and yet, every time one (or all) of those desires aren’t met the way I want them to be, all hell breaks loose inside of me and then outside of me. ARRGGG!!! SO FRUSTRATING!

I truly believe that the root of my sin is idolatry of people and that is what, on top of living in a new place, dealing with family and old friends and new, raising Nolan, marriaging with Graham, having some sort of creative outlet, dealing with my depression/anxiety (which is so much better.Thank you Paxil!), and walking with the Lord, is going to be a huge sticky and messy step that I need to take that I didn’t see coming. It’s kind of like on a 90 degree day when your walking along the road in your flip flops, and then STICK. You guessed it. You just stepped into some kids super bubble gum that has been melting since he tried to hawk it at the back of old man Jenkins this morning on his 5am paper route. But, with a little help from the ice from your ice coffee and the grass on old man Jenkins yard, that gum will come right off. Sorry Mr. Jenkins.

So in my head I know that Christ is able to forgive and deliver me and to keep me from sinning, but now the challenge lies in getting that truth from my head to my heart. What are you worshipping? Who/What is your idol right now? Name it and confess it. Then journey with me with clean flip flops into getting it down from our head to our hearts.

I also now carry the beginnings of the curse of emotional scarring that Eve brings upon the whole female race that says, “I will greatly increase your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children.” This really amazing teacher/theologian named Richard Pratt talks about this in his book, Designed For Dignity. He believes that based on the grammatical structure of this text in Genesis 3:16  that the curse not only applies to actual labor, but also to the ENTIRE process of raising your children. And boy-howdy, did I ever feel that the first time I let Nolan cry it out. (Ferber method.) I felt it the first time I told him, “NO!” and he looked me square in the eyes and did it anyways. I feel it now as he tantrums at every clothes/diaper change and more age appropriate discipline is at hand. (Time Out) I feel it when he doesn’t want my help or me to hold and snuggle him. I feel it when he prefers Daddy’s company. I feel it in the darkness of my own heart that so desperately wants to cling to him and use him to fill the void in my soul that only Christ can fill.

And then I also feel Psalm 127:3-5 that basically says that children are a gift and reward and if you have a lot of them to shoot forth into the world like arrows for the furtherance of the Gospel, you will be blessed. That first time I held Nolan in my arms I knew that I would do whatever it takes to protect him. I was so proud of the super pooper, eater, and sleeper he was. Even with reflux, he rarely fussed. I think about all of the joy he brings to others and how he has a special way of looking at you and making you feel like you are the only person in the world that gets that special look. I think about the firsts. First head control, first smile,  first roll over, first scoot, first army crawl, first sitting up, first foods, first pulling up, first words, first kisses, first booty poppin, first cruising, first hands and knees crawls, and recently, first wobbly steps. Nolan is the kind of baby that makes you glow with love and pride at how sweet and funny he is.

I look forward with anticipation and a twinge of grief and sadness at the next year. The better I do my job, the further away he will fly from the nest. I hope and pray that I will be striving to be the woman God has called out of darkness into light to be. I hope that Nolan will face this next year knowing how deeply he is loved, not only by mommy, but also by His Maker. I hope that I will have enough courage and trust and faith to allow Nolan to risk. But most of all, I hope for peace and love to flood this little family and soak us to the bone. I hope that we will be able to make that peace and love possible to all of those we are connected to past, present, and future. And now I leave you with the blessing we pray over Nolan often. Numbers 6:24-26

“May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face towards you and give you His peace.”

Do you believe that? Do I? As I look forward and keep walking this uphill climb of life and mommyhood, I hope so and I hope that you do too.

As I have been getting responses from my previous posts, I have been thinking a lot about why we gossip, why we don’t want to go deeper, and why we don’t want to be real. I am so appreciative for everyone’s support in my struggle and for everyone’s prayers, concerns and thoughts.

I want to clarify that in my last post about women’s ministries I had no specific church or ministry in mind. I was writing about the majority of the 20 years I have been involved in the church and ministries and witnessed through my own personal conference/retreat attendance. It is not my desire to point fingers of blame. It is my deep desire that we would look at ourselves and truly ask God how we as women can do better.

Back to what I want to write about. Gossip. And I am proposing that some of the reasons that we gossip tie directly into why we don’t want to go deeper, why we don’t want to be real, and why we must control.

I believe that the reason that we don’t want to go deeper is born out of belief. We as women either believe that we are not smart enough to study the hard stuff and/or we feel like our time is precious and to study the hard theological/Biblical stuff would be to time consuming. I also think we might fear what we learn and what will be changed in us and thus to my next point.

I think that we don’t want be real with people because we fear that if they truly saw ALL of us they would lose respect for us and not like us anymore which translates to our need to be loved. We have this mindset as women that in order to have worth and be loved, we must have status and control. Our need to control is born out of our fear to trust the One that has ALL of the control past, present, and future. This is also why we hate to change or have the things around us that we controlled once change.

The underlying theme in all of these struggles is fear. We gossip because we want to experience connectedness to others and will do whatever it takes to feel that. We also just flat out are sinners and lift ourselves up and make ourselves feel better by putting others down or saying, “I’m so glad I’m not them.” We let the fear of not having love and connectedness drive us to sin. We are wanting to define who we are and where our worth lies by what we do or don’t do, who we know, who loves us, and what we know instead of defining ourselves in Christ.

So what will you do to stop and break the chain of gossip? How will you strive to be more vulnerable, open, and honest with others so as to glorify Christ’s redeeming and healing power in you story? What theological topic or book of the Bible will you study to go deeper in your relationship with the Lord?  Who will you allow define who you are and where your worth lies? How will you let go of the control you hold in a tight, closed fist? And what might happen in your life if you dare to answer these questions? Risk. I dare you.

After multiple (and frustrating) Dr. appointments over the years, I was at the end of my rope, desperate to find out how all of my random symptoms fit together. Thyroid? Nope. Cancer? Nope. Celiac? Nope. Diabetes? Nope. Depression/Anxiety/Bi-polar? Possible yes. What horrifying relief. As the arduous road of mental illness lays before me, fear, embarrassment, and guilt are the words I would use to describe my feelings. Will the medicine work or make my symptoms worse? Will it make me fat? Will I still be creative? Will I develop a dependency on them? How will this crap affect my sweet (yet surprisingly difficult) son Nolan and my husband Graham? What will people think of me now? I know, I know, what people think doesn’t matter, right? I’m so sure that you don’t care what people think of you my devoted reader.(Enter sarcasm here.)

Seriously. Mental illness SUCKS!!! I feel so angry at God for making me this way. I’ve worked through my anger towards Him about my family issues/illnesses, but not towards Him about my own personal appointed affliction. Extreme highs and lows were my normal. Anger/control were born in my life out of sin and environment. Depression was because of hormones or a blocked goal. I found reasons to explain all of my crap, when really, my reasons were CRAP! What I need is to figure out what medicine will work for me and not be ashamed that I am sick and need help. I would NEVER look at someone with diabetes and think they were to be looked down upon because they are sick and need medicine to manage their illness. So what the heck is my problem? Why am I so scared? Ok. Fear is valid in this journey, but not the kind of fear that is debilitating. Giulio told me in reference to hairdressing “Do what scares the shit out of you.” (For my conservative readers, I apologize for the swear.) What he meant by that was that if I did what scared the @#$% of me, I wouldn’t fear it anymore and begin to understand what I didn’t know so that I could master that skill. Perhaps I should take that advice with a grain of salt in my “mental illness” situation. If I do what scares the crap out of me in this situation it would look like taking my meds and trusting the Lord that HE is in control above my fears and my Docs “deductive reasoning.”

God divinely wove me together in my mom’s tummy. He knows EVERY part of who I am and what I struggle with. Why is my faith so small? He has not brought me this far through so much pain and agony only to leave me with this terrible illness all alone trapped in a corner. I must remember that and believe that truth in my head even if I don’t feel it in my heart and believe that God is with me and will never leave me or forsake me. What about you? What is God challenging your heart with that you need to remember He is there? What choice will you make now that He is bringing things to your memory? Don’t make the foolish choice I did to explain it all away. Listen. Respond. And remember that in the words of my favorite singer/songwriter Jill Phillips, “Nobody’s Got It All Together.”